Diaries of A Dirty Open Mic-er - May

I don’t really have an entertaining entrance into this blog. The last one was nice and exciting because it was my first one, and I had things to say about what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. But now, I fear it will just be a list of my gigs and how they went.

I had a couple of nice responses from my last blog, which I suppose is nice—more just asking me if I know where people can go to do gigs or if I have any gigs that people can be on. One of the benefits of running an incredibly low-stakes open mic gig is that people are weirdly nice to you because they want to be on your gig, or maybe they are just nice people, and I should get over myself… probably the latter, to be fair.

Any advice that I could give to a newer open micer, as opposed to me, the veteran open micer, is to be willing to travel for it, especially if, like me, you live outside of London. There are a million gigs in London (not all of them good); outside of London, they are growing, but it is still growing.

It's easier for me to travel because outside of comedy, I live a very sad existence… some who have seen me perform may say that I live a sad existence within comedy… which is the wonderful thing about comedy: whether you like it or you don’t… you are right!

Be ready to travel—there aren’t enough gigs by you, so travel to them. If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad… it’s a shitty saying because obviously a mountain won’t move for you.

You will be tired—as much as I love it when I get home at 1 a.m. and have to wake up and go to work at 7 a.m., it’s tough.

Abandon your family—abandon anybody that will hold you back. Leave them and don’t ever look back.

Those are three things you should know if you ever wish to reach the heights of open miccery that I have… you’re welcome!

This month, I have what I would call a slower month. I tried to actively cut down this month because when I’m gigging, everything else in my life is waiting in stasis. It’s also important to actually live your life… well, for me anyway. I do it with comedy in mind. Otherwise, I’ll make the same jokes about my dick over and over—they were already hacky—but if I learn a few new adjectives, maybe people won’t notice that I have no life experience and I just sit in my room and watch porn when I’m not gigging.

Gigs this month – 13 booked

Follow Comedy Club – This is a lovely gig. I’ve killed in this room, I’ve died in this room, but it is brilliantly run by Joe Marchent and his lovely girlfriend. Joe is a brilliant MC and has some top-notch material. I opened the show and did pretty much 10 minutes of new material. I did an old opening line because it allows me to get a laugh early on and relaxes me for the rest of the set. Then I’d say a good amount of the material I did was either good or at the very least has given me something to work on for the future, which is super exciting.

I find on the open mic circuit people stick with what works for too long… well, says me, I’m on the same circuit, so I’m not exactly breaking down any doors to the next stage. So what I’m about to say is just opinion and definitely holds no weight whatsoever. I do feel doing new stuff really helps with discomfort, though. Get comfortable with that discomfort of trying something and it failing and then going home and thinking to yourself how much of a piece of hot garbage you are because you tried really hard on that joke and it was shit.

Teddy Rocks Festival – Two days of gigging at Teddy Rocks Festival!! I love this festival! I think it is superb. It’s a festival in Dorset where all profits go to children’s cancer charities, which is a brilliant cause! Hard to remember that I was there for such a good cause, to be honest with you, considering the amount that I bombed over the 2 days and 6 spots that I was involved in. I remembered afterward, but too long afterward, after I had lost my mind on stage from people not enjoying my comedy.

6 Gigs, 2 bombs! 3 MC gigs, 1 went well and 2 were a bit meh, and I won a roast battle. Not because I was good, but because my opponent, Billy James, was just dog shit! We had a couple of good back-and-forths, to be fair, but nothing worth mentioning!

I loved the weekend and would do it again in a heartbeat, but it was just me being rubbish. Although that said, a lot of the material I had about festivals went down well, which is all new. Now I’d like to say that, ohhh, obviously it would go well! But no, not obvious! If you saw how bad every other joke that I worked hard on went, you would see that it’s not as obvious as you may think.

Mother Shipton – A tough old gig. People were not very warm, but as the glutton for punishment that I am, it turned from a nice night out doing my thing to a bit of a sport. I will make you laugh, and you will like it. It still did not go well, but I managed to squeeze blood from the stone, even very slightly, that or I was squeezing so hard my hands started to bleed.

The Snug – My gig that I love, weird vibe, had a few people tell me they thought there were too many porn jokes. Which is fine; if you like jokes or if you don’t, you’re right—that’s the great thing about stand-up comedy. It’s not the first time somebody has said something, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. The thing is, with a critique, have a reason for it. Don’t say you just don’t like it. There is no improvement to be had if people don’t say what they didn’t like. Also, I like the joke, so I will continue to do the joke, so it really makes no difference. So, Sam, why are you even talking about it?... Because it’s annoying, obviously!!!

Other than that, had a great time with people doing new material, and it was good to have people in the room that are up for a laugh and enjoying themselves, rather than at the back of a pub where nobody knew you’d be there, so they brought their family for a meal and now have to listen to you do dick jokes while they eat their fish and chips.

They did also mention that it would be good to have a woman on the bill, which I agree with—it would! Fortunately, the scene down on the coast is exploding at the moment, and there were a couple of gigs on the same night, and the other gig had stolen all the local female talent away.

Comedy Quips – I opened the show, which was a surprise to me. People don’t typically like to open, but I personally don’t mind it too much. If you do well opening, people think you’re a good opener, and if you don’t do so well, they think that opening is a tough spot. It has its advantages and disadvantages, that’s for sure. Some new bits that I am working on, and I’m enjoying the hell out of it. Sometimes I’d find myself doing old stuff because I needed the laugh; otherwise, I’d just done a 3-hour round trip to make myself feel like shit. Now, though, is the real creative time, working on the jokes and seeing what happens, working through the ones that you think will work but don’t, and then trying to make them work because you know there is something there, because it is give-and-take. They are there to tell you what is funny, but to an extent, you’re there to tell them what is funny, and you don’t always agree. But it is easier to convince somebody to laugh than it is to convince them that the world isn’t flat.

Laughing Bellies at Belgium and Blues – I MC’d the night as it was my night, and I’d like to be better at MCing. It’s an incredible skill to have, and those that are good at it really are a cut above the rest!

The night went well, fully booked but only about 50% showed, which is one of the issues that you have when you do free shows. It’s easy for people to just cancel when the wind changes direction. The acts, however, did brilliantly, and the crowd were lovely, but honest! Which I always like. It’s easy to think you’re great when the audience has laughed at every joke the entire evening, but I find it hard to trust. Was I good? Or were they just up for it? I shouldn’t complain, really, because it feels good to get the laugh, but there is something more sporting and impressive about not having the crowd on side and then winning them over, like Rocky IV when he goes to Russia, and they hate him, but after 18 rounds of getting punched in the face, the crowd starts to cheer his name!

The Snug, Christchurch – Pretty amazing gig, to be fair, great crowd really up for it! Raring to go, yet they again remained honest during the night with their laughter and their thoughts on the jokes. One of my regulars came to ask me where they have to go to watch me actually do some comedy rather than just MC. “Where can I see you do a 20?” I wish I had a 20 that he could see! Then during the break, a gentleman came up to me and offered me some material that I “could use if I wanted to”… I didn’t, not because of any pride in my work. If anybody reading this has seen my act, they’ll know I have no pride in my work. Mainly because none of the jokes were my cup of tea (to be nice, just in case he reads this). I also don’t want to encourage this, though, if he is reading this. Sharing jokes and adding toppers can be a worthwhile experience for some, but if you aren’t in comedy, even on the dirty open mic circuit like myself, some of the mentally ill comedians (there is something wrong with most of us) might have the balls to tell you to go fuck yourself to your face, rather than politely doing it on a blog post.

The Comedy Carp – Had a few days off of gigging, but it was a lovely little gig in Frome. The audience was a bit thin—not from eating disorders, but there were just not many of them. That was fine, though; they were up for it, and it was a great time to try out new material, which a majority of went pretty well. Closed the show with about 15 minutes worth of material, which is nice. Trying to break through the 10-minute ceiling to do a 15 is always tough.

The Billy James Comedy Night (Basingstoke) – First night there, and it was kind of Billy to offer me a spot on the lineup after all I’ve fucking done for him. It was a great night; the audience was up for it. Got to meet Mr. Nathan Egal, who I shall now talk about in the Kiss Arse section.

Summary

Didn’t do as many gigs as I thought I was going to this month. Pulled out of a few due to work commitments, and that’s just life when you’re trying to make it in this impossible industry. It does heavily favor people with more time. However, people that don’t have lives may not have much to talk about. That’s not strictly true, but it makes me feel better to think that.

The Kiss Arse Section

The Kiss Arse section is new. I'd recommend booking any of these people for gigs as they have done well that I've seen at least once, and you’re only as good as your last gig.

Callum McKenzie - I think he is brilliant. I saw him at Follow Comedy Club and always enjoy his work. One of my favorite things he does is he always manages an in-the-room joke, which makes such a massive difference to how the audience perceives you. He had some very funny new material about older couples.

Sam Rhodes – I watched him deliver a masterclass of comedy at Teddy Rocks Festival. It was a difficult room, but it did not deter him at all. He started out in a challenging room and did not falter, like watching Aragorn charge into an army of orcs, outnumbered, looking back and saying, “For Frodo,” before hitting the wall of unenthused festival-goers at a comedy show in the middle of the day just trying to get a coffee and sit down for 10 minutes.

He won them over, and it was a sight to behold! He just kept going, involved the audience, and was present in the room. When he spoke, it was a constant stream of consciousness (impressive to me because I’m full of umms and errs). His material was also top-notch. My favorite bit was when he did a segment about “Your Song” by Elton John.

Adam Morris-Jones – He killed the tent with his excellent crowd work, brilliant songwriting, and sensational singing voice. Funny and can sing, this guy gets laid, and if he doesn’t, he should! There is no excuse for it!

Maria Fedulova – I really enjoyed her jokes. It’s always nice to hear somebody from a different country’s perspective. I want to say foreigner, but I feel like that has negative connotations, even though that’s what she is. She talks about being poor as a comedian, and so is her husband (Sam Rhodes). One of my favorite lines I have ever heard is a punchline to her joke about if they divorce, but I shan’t repeat it because I don’t want to give it away. I thoroughly enjoyed her set in what was a difficult room.

Lee Smith – Unfortunately, he did really well. A personal frenemy of mine, but what's right is right, and I must say begrudgingly that he did well.

Glenn Barley – He did great in the room. His stories about him and his son went down a storm! I have written less here because although I like his set, he suffers from the fact I’ve seen his jokes 100 million times. As he has mine! Except he has never written about me anywhere except on the side of a bathroom stall.

Duncan Adam – Just a top-quality comic in my estimation. Most of his stuff is pretty clean too, which I find more impressive, especially since my stuff isn’t clean and is gross. To paraphrase Eminem, “Duncan Adam doesn’t have to curse to sell records… well I do so fuck him and fuck you too.” I don’t think he intentionally works clean because he has unclean stuff. It’s just that every punchline isn’t penis this or shit that. He is also so likable it’s annoying. I hate that I like him.

Callum Gohricsh – At my gig, I mentioned that it’s impressive when people don’t start out with the crowd on their side but win them over, and that always impresses me. Not that I’m a person anybody should look to impress, I’m a nobody on the comedy circuit, but he did all the same. He walked onto a lukewarm applause which I, as the MC, cultivated (go me!). He started rocky while the crowd decided if they liked him, and about five minutes into his set, he got a big laugh and had them hook, line, and sinker! He left the stage to maybe the biggest applause of the night! It was lovely to see.

Tim Biglowe – I’ve seen him many times and always enjoy his stuff. Extremely self-deprecating, he has great material and I really enjoy his rhythm. He takes full notice of what is going on in the room beforehand, which sounds obvious but a lot of comedians don’t utilize this skill. He follows up with an in-the-room joke, which again is a brilliant skill that few decide to practice. Great comedian and top bloke!

Nathan Eagle – First time seeing him and first time meeting him, and he was on another level. I loved his pacing, his rhythm, and of course his jokes. I have to mention that! He did some brilliant material about testicular cancer and how that affected his behavior and relationship dynamic, along with some rather funny crowd work about somebody looking like Harold Shipman but “in a good way.”

If you liked this, I have a podcast called “Would You Rather.” Check it out, or don’t… up to you. Till next month, people!

#comedy #standupcomedy #blog