Diaries of A Dirty Open Mic-er - Jan

Hello people, it’s a new year and it’s a new blog—yayyyyyyyyy!!!!

I had initially planned on not doing a blog for January as I wasn’t going to do any gigs. I just wanted a bit of a break from it and to focus on writing jokes, as I am going to be taking a 45-minute show to Edinburgh Fringe this year… I hope… still waiting to be contacted about a venue.

In hindsight, I could have done both, but I felt I needed the time off. To be honest, it didn’t give me a fresh view on comedy—it just made me want to continue staying home and chilling out instead of traveling six hours round trip to bomb on a Thursday night for no money. That isn’t comedy for anybody new to this and reading this. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s up to you how much and how far you travel.

I wasn’t even going to write a blog this month, but a couple of people told me they were looking forward to this, so begrudgingly, here I am writing it last minute, trying to spew out my feelings on comedy and this month’s gigs after work on a Saturday… whilst holding in a shit. “Just go to the toilet,” you say, but if I lose the rhythm I have just gotten into, I feel like it will be harder to get started again. While I’m in the toilet, I’ll just be focusing on the blog and won’t be able to enjoy the movement.

I also feel that perhaps this blog can only gain from the time pressure I am putting on myself. It has to be out today or tomorrow (it doesn’t—it’s just a deadline I made up), and it has even more of a deadline because I don’t know how much longer my sphincter can hold back the storm.

Truly, all my time off and writing did for me was make me think that I’m not funny anymore. That, coupled with a lack of practice on stage, later confirmed my thoughts of not being funny because my performances were laughable in none of the good ways.

Moving on to the gigs for the month—I had six gigs this month, which was surprising considering I said I wasn’t going to do any. Although three of them were ones that I run as an MC, soooo… three gigs, really.

The three gigs I run:

I’ll do these all together. Laughing bellys

• The first one of the year was excellent! Great audience, they were up for it, and all the acts had a great time. Lovely.

• Second MC gig: Belgium and Blues—once more, brilliant gig. Fewer audience members, but the ones that were there had a great time, and all the comedians did great.

• Third MC gig: I thought I was horrible as an MC. I didn’t have much fun and hated myself. Others had a great time.

「うんちをして戻ってきたところです。」

Malmesbury with Mirth Control:

I forgot that I applied for this gig. It was on a pro lineup, and it was a massive room in association with Glory Hole Comedy. I did okay for my first proper one back. The audience was really up for it as a group, but when you spoke to them individually, they were super strange. Speaking to them almost guaranteed derailing your own set. Despite knowing this before going up, I still spoke to them because I think I’m a hero. But I did alright—I’d say probably 6/10.

Chandler’s Ford:

Another last-minute gig. Tough setup in this room. The PA didn’t support the size of the room, so people who were there for the comedy couldn’t hear it at the back, and because they couldn’t hear it, they naturally started to talk. So, the people who could hear it could now only hear the people behind them talking.

I got on the mic and shouted my set for 10 minutes. All things considered, I think it went rather well—5/10.

Plymouth for Mirth:

I opened the night—not as an opener, just as a guy doing a 10. I did a five-minute rant about barge poles that usually goes down well. This time, it was met with pretty much silence. One of the acts assured me that the audience was silently laughing, but alas, loud laughter is what makes it worthwhile. Some other jokes got a middling response.

To be fair, despite all of that, from a satisfaction standpoint, this gig was the one I had the most fun at this month. I can’t say why for certain, but it was fun, so I did enjoy myself. It was almost worth the six-hour round trip, despite my 4.5/10 performance.

Thats all of them. I’m going to try and keep on top of them for next month, as there are quite a few that I have to do. I am looking forward to the month as I have to smash out as much material as possible and work out if I am actually funny or not.

Kiss Arse Section:

This is where I kiss the arse of an act that I thought was top-notch and/or did well for the crowd.

James Sherwood – He opened the show at Malmesbury and was absolutely hilarious with a mixture of good old-fashioned jokes and musical jokes too. That makes it sound like I prefer one to the other… I don’t, I just don’t have the lexicon to eloquently put it into a sentence. He was amazing! He doesn’t need me to review him because when I spoke to him, he told me he had been doing comedy for 22 years. He mentioned that he doesn’t do too much of it—I didn’t ask why because I don’t like to pry. I’d much rather speculate—it’s less nosy and much more fun! Anyway, he was class. Would highly recommend.

I didn’t gig with him, but I watched him perform, so I will give a special mention to Tim Sque. He did a new gig for another comedy chum of mine, Heski, and he absolutely knocked the socks off it! Which is hard for me to say about Tim because he is an absolute ball bag.

And that is the end! Thank you for reading. If you’re wondering—no, I didn’t make it to the end before having to rush to the loo. I had a fart that was too close for comfort. So if there is a marked change in the writing from one part to the next, now you know why.

Thanks for reading!