Diaries of a Dirty Open Mic-er - August

I'm writing this pretty late in August. Usually, I start with a vengeance because I really enjoy writing the blog. It's fun, and I've had a couple of people tell me they appreciate the honesty of it. That all over media it is easy to look at it and it seem as though it is going well, but sometimes it is going poorly and we make it look good.

I want to say that I love this—I love every bit of it. I love the stage, the writing, the travel; although when they close the roads without any obvious reason, adding 40 extra minutes to my drive when I have to get up at 6 AM for work, it's a real kick in the testicles. Doing well, bombing—yes, I even enjoy a good bomb now and then! It's good for the soul, even though it feels like your soul is being ripped into a million pieces.

You think you have something that's fire, stolen from the comedy gods, and then you realize it isn't because nobody laughs. It's like when Zeus bound Prometheus to a rock and had an eagle come by every day to eat his liver. That’s bombing, for anyone who hasn’t experienced it. If you haven’t felt its effects, there are a few reasons:

1. You don’t tell jokes on stage—which is fair. Why would you? It’s a mental thing to want to do!

2. You haven’t done many gigs... but it’s coming! Trust me!

3. You’re lying to yourself! Hey, we’re all delusional in some way; it’s why we do this. But maybe you’re just more delusional than the rest of us.

   
   

My point is, I love it all! There is nothing quite like it. It feels like narcissism, but there is also nothing more humbling than working really hard on a 5-minute set, only to be told that it isn’t funny or interesting... usually by weird looks, no laughter and yawning while you're up there. sometimes literally after a show, but not often.

Things have been slightly different recently, though. Lately, I’ve been booked for more and more pro gigs. Maybe it’s my skills, bruv! Maybe it’s because all the good comedians have gone to Edinburgh... who knows? All I know is, I’ve been capitalizing on it!

It’s great! In the open mic world, competition is a normal thing, I think. Although there are enough gigs for everyone, part of you wants to be the funniest person in the room. It’s healthy, though—well, I feel it is—because when I see someone with an amazing set, it inspires me to write more and try to be better!

Sometimes, the moments of envy come when you think, “Oh wow, that person got that gig?” I’m happy to say that’s rare, but it does happen. I put it down to a competitive nature, rather than me being a prick, because that just makes it easier for me to sleep at night.

Anyway, I had 9 gigs this month—a bit slow for me, to be honest. But when I’m not gigging, I’m writing. I should be rehearsing too. I know I said I love all of it, and I don’t hate rehearsing jokes, but I just find it doesn’t really help me remember, so what’s the point? I also hate it!

Felsons Bournemouth (R.I.P.) – It was a very small crowd this night, but it was extremely fun. I managed to get out 10 minutes of completely new material. The people who were there were into it, which was nice, but as a test for material, it’s difficult to say. It made four people laugh, which is nice, but it still needs work. Unfortunately, this gig is now dead. The venue took it off life support and let it fade to black… RIP.

Mirth Christchurch – I did okay... tried and tested stuff that was kind of meh. I’d say 6/10, but as always, I want to rip the roof off the place. When it doesn’t happen, I cry a little inside... and out!

The Snug Christchurch – My night that I run, it went very well! I was happy with it, with an up-for-it audience. I MC’d, and it seemed to all go very well!

Bovey Tracey – CRUSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEDDDDDD it! It was a pro gig too, which made me feel superb!!!!

The Gladstone Brighton – This was a tough gig. Got a couple of laughs in a room that was relatively dead. Nobody’s fault—that’s just the open mic scene. Sometimes people have better things to do on a Tuesday night than watch a bunch of people trying to be funny. Most people just prefer the finished product.

The Emporium Portsmouth – Crushhhhhhhheddddd it! It was a competition, and as competitions go, I generally hate them because I never win. Let’s not get it twisted—that’s the main reason I hate them. I also don’t really enjoy them because, usually, win or not, as a general rule, they don’t mean anything. Or that’s the lie I tell myself to make myself feel better. But it was a really lovely evening supporting mental health charities with a roast at the end! Another thing I hate—again, because I can’t do it! I’m fine roasting my mates on the daily because it’s fun, it’s a back-and-forth bullsh*t thing you do. But on stage with someone you don’t know, being mean for the sake of it isn’t for me. Luckily, I know Neil Tarry very well, who was my opponent in the roast on this occasion! It was an excellent evening—would recommend.

The 4 Horseman – I hosted this gig. I think it went well; I can never tell as far as hosting goes. A few people told me they had a great evening, which is nice. They didn’t specify that it was because of the hosting, but they didn’t say it was great except for the hosting either, so I’d say that’s a win!

Belgium and Blues – This one I run. I had Billy James host this one, who is a great host by the way—very nice and likable... too likable... It’s a good thing, but I find it incredibly annoying! I did some new stuff that I think went down quite well. Didn’t stop me from being horribly nervous. I’ve been spending a lot more time writing. The problem with that is I’m getting more attached to the material, which means if I’ve spent 6 hours writing and it’s awful, I think it will kill me. It won’t, but it’s just a lot of time spent to not be funny.

The Snug – Another one that I run—it went well, I believe. I certainly tried hard to make it go well anyway. Obviously, it isn’t solely down to me for it to go well, but I am a big part of it. I sometimes try to test out some new material there, but I find it doesn’t really fit a lot of the time. I feel that perhaps I’m slightly different as an MC than as a comedian.

Iron Bull Roadhouse – Tougher night for a lot of the acts. Did tried and tested, which went fine. It wasn’t bad by any means, but it also wasn’t great. I’d probably give myself a 5.2/10 for that performance.

Kiss Ass Section

I was on a few pro lineups this month, so I feel I should give props to people who are obviously good. Not that my opinion means anything to the open mic-ers—well, it probably does—not because I’m a person of any particular importance, just that they are mostly horrendously needy people.

Does that change when you get better? Does your success in making money from this circumvent your need for the acceptance of strangers? Who knows... well, they probably do, but I’m not going to ask them.

I’ll just tell you who I enjoyed instead:

Martin Davis – This gent MC’d at the Christchurch gig I did, and he had the audience eating out of the palm of his hand, which was a lovely thing to see! Sometimes I wonder how much better an MC can be when I’m watching the local open mic MCs doing their thing well, and then I see something like this and think, Christ, there is another level! Martin is doing well without my praise. In truth, I don’t know much about him or have researched him. I just know he seemed like a nice fella, and he made a bunch of people laugh, including me.

Alan Francis – He closed the same gig as Martin, so I felt very lucky. They were the only two on the show of four of us that did exceptionally well. They may not feel that way; they also might—I don’t know. They have been gigging for a long time, but certainly, to me, it was very good! Alan came on after I did about a 6/10 performance to a lukewarm room as far as the comedians were concerned up to that point. They loved Martin, the MC. They trusted that he could make them laugh, but they didn’t yet trust the comedy because, thus far, by my standards, we were lackluster. He came on and absolutely brought the house down. It was impressive... you should book him if you can. I’m sure he has plenty of work; he is very good.

Jon Wagstaffe – Opened the show I did at Bovey Tracey and absolutely crushed the opening set. He was class from start to finish, with a lot of the audience that night wanting to talk to him on stage because he was so personable while he was up there. Superb performance!

Neil Tarry – It’s only right that I mention Neil for his 2nd place position at the competition that I won! (Unhumble brag.) He was great! I’ve seen him 5 or 6 times recently, and the audience has loved him every time! He has great jokes, and the crowd loved him. I got lucky with the win, to be fair.

That concludes it, I think. I don’t have anything to sign off with. I hope people enjoyed this. On to September we go…